An Open Letter to my Younger Self

Hey girl hey!

What’s up? How are things with you? I haven’t talked to you in a while, several years to be exact; I hope you are managing to keep things together. This world can be cruel baby girl; don’t let it eat you up.

I’m sorry that I didn’t value you more, because like Lauryn Hill said, “respect is just the minimum.” You deserved so much more! I’m sorry if you felt abused and used, it wasn’t my intent; I was just lost out here, trying to figure it out. Will you ever forgive me? I’m much more careful with who I let in my life and I do not have a problem letting go when I don’t feel valued. Sweetie, I hope you can one day find the strength to let go of deleterious relationships. I don’t think you know how beautiful you are…

You would be so proud of me! For once, I didn’t settle. I’m finally living my dreams, and I am as happy as I can be! I hope one day you can find your happiness and find out what truly makes you happy. I’m sorry for all those nights where I cried myself to sleep because I didn’t feel good enough and thought I would never be anybody. See, back then, I didn’t know my worth, but now I know I am a precious gem. Back then, I was settling for whatever would give me instant gratification; now, I am looking for eternal bliss. My heart is full. I know one day yours will be full too.

I’m finally working in the medical field (well almost!) I’m in PA school. I know, I know … I was supposed to be a doctor, but I realized that was other people’s dreams for me. I was living up to other people’s plans and expectations for my life. I finally was able to break down the barriers that were holding me back, and what people thought of me if I didn’t achieve what they thought was right for my life. I feel so liberated now! Maybe one day, you will be able to relinquish yourself from the shackles that are holding you back.  I know it’s hard, but take it one day at a time. You have so many people rooting for you!

I’m sorry for all those phony moments when I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. See, like every young adult, we have those moments where our self-esteem is low, and we still don’t know “us” yet. I’ve let that old person go. The pettiness, cattiness, and superficial things are gone; the moments wasted getting sloppy drunk the night before, only to wake up the next morning and not remembering how I got home, all just to do it all again, those days are gone. I no longer waste any part of my day. Every minute, every second, I am finding new ways to make me happy and a better person. I no longer take joy in the things that I once did; don’t get me wrong, I still like to kick it and have fun with my friends, but I’m more responsible with my “turn up.” I know it’s hard to let go of those friendships and habits that bring you joy, but lady let me tell you something, I have more joy WITHOUT it than I ever did WITH it. A lot of people will not understand why you're doing this and you might lose some friendships along the way, but sweetheart, let me tell you one thing, God's plan for your life is always better than you have ever planned. By holding on to toxic habits and relationships, you are blocking God's blessings on your life.

Baby girl, this journey is not going to be easy, but it is worth it. I’m sorry that I didn’t take better care of you when I had you, but I promise this NEW me, won’t let you down. I’m sorry for all those times I settled for less and did not think more of myself; the days of settling is no longer an option. I hope that you’re proud of me. The growth I have made is so humbling, and to think that I was once this other person is ludacris!  Who would have thought that I would eventually become this dope person! The trials and tribulations that I went through during my younger days has shaped me to be who I am today. My advice to you is, never give up on your dreams and keep pushing. As I say goodbye to my younger self, I ask myself, do I regret anything that I went through and would I change anything? – NAH.

Sincerely,

Amber xoxo